Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Ayaw ko na magmahal.
Gosh, I feel lost.
I feel so energy deprived. I just want to get over this. I'm desperate to be happy.
Nakakapagod mag mahal kase kapag nag mamahal ako... nasasaktan lang ako. Sawa na sawa na ako.
I feel so energy deprived. I just want to get over this. I'm desperate to be happy.
Nakakapagod mag mahal kase kapag nag mamahal ako... nasasaktan lang ako. Sawa na sawa na ako.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
I'm going to be okay.
I am determined to get over Seth.
Now I am able to do this if he remains best friends with me (meaning I can still talk to him and tell him my problems and vice versa).
After my embarrassing display of dropping my pride for nothing, I have decided that there is no hope with this guy. What I mean is, we're meant to be friends.
Now getting over him will be harder to if we don't talk because the absence will make me think and go crazy. I think that if we just remain as we are as best friends (Basically, what we already were without the displays of affections), I believe that my feelings can fade.
When I got home yesterday, I automatically went on sites about "how to get over your guy best friend" etc. It was kind of useless XD
But there was two things that I thought that might be helpful:
1. Write a list of all the things you don't like about him.
(Did that, and it did feel quite good :D Everytime, I thought of me and him... I would reread my list)
2. Grab anything that reminds you of him and store it in a box.
(Planning to do that after I write this post)
So, I think I can do it.
You see, I am desperate to get rid of this hole in my heart. I want to fill it again. But this time... I don't want a guy to do that. Honestly, I'm hating the male race at the moment. And funny enough, it's not about Seth. Guys are just egotistical bastards who think they're always right. I had to deal with several today.
I am determined to get over him. So that, my friendship with Seth can be healed and we can be normal proper friends.
Now I am able to do this if he remains best friends with me (meaning I can still talk to him and tell him my problems and vice versa).
After my embarrassing display of dropping my pride for nothing, I have decided that there is no hope with this guy. What I mean is, we're meant to be friends.
Now getting over him will be harder to if we don't talk because the absence will make me think and go crazy. I think that if we just remain as we are as best friends (Basically, what we already were without the displays of affections), I believe that my feelings can fade.
When I got home yesterday, I automatically went on sites about "how to get over your guy best friend" etc. It was kind of useless XD
But there was two things that I thought that might be helpful:
1. Write a list of all the things you don't like about him.
(Did that, and it did feel quite good :D Everytime, I thought of me and him... I would reread my list)
2. Grab anything that reminds you of him and store it in a box.
(Planning to do that after I write this post)
So, I think I can do it.
You see, I am desperate to get rid of this hole in my heart. I want to fill it again. But this time... I don't want a guy to do that. Honestly, I'm hating the male race at the moment. And funny enough, it's not about Seth. Guys are just egotistical bastards who think they're always right. I had to deal with several today.
I am determined to get over him. So that, my friendship with Seth can be healed and we can be normal proper friends.
Friday, July 22, 2011
My life doesn't end here.
Okay.. Seth's feelings for me has faded. Completely.
I can't seem to describe how I'm feeling simply. Because it's a bunch of feelings overwhelming me. I don't really know how to act. But I know for sure that I'm not going to let myself be depressed. I refuse to succumb to the hurt. I promised myself that I will be strong.
That's a part that I like about Seth. He's honest. I would rather that he told me that he doesn't like me anymore than lead me on.
But, I would be lying if I said that I'm fine with it. I tried the best I can to remain calm in front of him. So, when he left to be with his friends.... That's when I ran for it. I don't know how long I cried for but I tried to let out as much emotions as I can so that it won't be as hard to be fine.
Honestly though, I think I did well. I didn't want to make him feel bad because... well, I knew that it wasn't his fault. I know at least, that he cares for me since he still said that we were best friends (but I'm afraid to admit that I highly doubt that's what we are; part of the main reason why he gave me so much attention was because he liked me, so it won't ever be the same). So, he didn't mean to hurt me. He's a good guy, that's why I fell in love with him in the first place.
But, even though I spent a week preparing for this (I already had my suspicions), I still felt a pang of hurt and shock. I don't know.... I never really thought that Seth would leave me and hurt me. I couldn't imagine it. Even though I always reminded myself that this could/would happen, I continued to hope. Honestly, I thought that if things didn't work out, it would be because of me. But... of course, nothing turns out as what anyone thinks.
I'm not being corny... I honestly feel like my heart broke. I don't really know how to explain how hurt I feel. My best friend stayed over today and stayed with me till 6.30 to keep my company. I honestly can't afford to think about it. I'm writing this post to get it off my chest. I had Maths C right after my talk with Seth and I didn't utter a single word and just continued to work so that nothing could come through my mind except complex, imaginary numbers. In Chemistry, I kept talking to my best friends (they were extremely helpful by trying to make me laugh). But I honestly feel that everything I'm doing is half-hearted. The moment I got home, I started crying.
I'm being irrational and immature right now too. I keep hoping that I can get him back. But I know that it doesn't happen like that. The only thing that I'm agreeing to is keeping him in my life. I want to at least be able to be on a talking relationship with him. Friends.... I'll be satisfied with that.
It's really my fault. How many times do I tell my friends and myself that you're not meant to fall in love during high school because it ends in heart break? I was foolish and I let my guard down. I was meant to have learnt my lesson. I'm really angry at myself.
What probably was most shocking... was the fact that just two months ago.... I had finally admitted/confessed that I loved him. Two months ago.. that he promised me that he wouldn't hurt me.... And he broke it. It was too soon. I really don't know what to do or feel right now...
I should get over him. And even though I don't want to... I probably would just get hurt even more. I should be happy that he's still my friend. Just a while ago, he called me to ask me if I knew where his ipod was....
I really don't know what to do or feel right now...
I can't seem to describe how I'm feeling simply. Because it's a bunch of feelings overwhelming me. I don't really know how to act. But I know for sure that I'm not going to let myself be depressed. I refuse to succumb to the hurt. I promised myself that I will be strong.
That's a part that I like about Seth. He's honest. I would rather that he told me that he doesn't like me anymore than lead me on.
But, I would be lying if I said that I'm fine with it. I tried the best I can to remain calm in front of him. So, when he left to be with his friends.... That's when I ran for it. I don't know how long I cried for but I tried to let out as much emotions as I can so that it won't be as hard to be fine.
Honestly though, I think I did well. I didn't want to make him feel bad because... well, I knew that it wasn't his fault. I know at least, that he cares for me since he still said that we were best friends (but I'm afraid to admit that I highly doubt that's what we are; part of the main reason why he gave me so much attention was because he liked me, so it won't ever be the same). So, he didn't mean to hurt me. He's a good guy, that's why I fell in love with him in the first place.
But, even though I spent a week preparing for this (I already had my suspicions), I still felt a pang of hurt and shock. I don't know.... I never really thought that Seth would leave me and hurt me. I couldn't imagine it. Even though I always reminded myself that this could/would happen, I continued to hope. Honestly, I thought that if things didn't work out, it would be because of me. But... of course, nothing turns out as what anyone thinks.
I'm not being corny... I honestly feel like my heart broke. I don't really know how to explain how hurt I feel. My best friend stayed over today and stayed with me till 6.30 to keep my company. I honestly can't afford to think about it. I'm writing this post to get it off my chest. I had Maths C right after my talk with Seth and I didn't utter a single word and just continued to work so that nothing could come through my mind except complex, imaginary numbers. In Chemistry, I kept talking to my best friends (they were extremely helpful by trying to make me laugh). But I honestly feel that everything I'm doing is half-hearted. The moment I got home, I started crying.
I'm being irrational and immature right now too. I keep hoping that I can get him back. But I know that it doesn't happen like that. The only thing that I'm agreeing to is keeping him in my life. I want to at least be able to be on a talking relationship with him. Friends.... I'll be satisfied with that.
It's really my fault. How many times do I tell my friends and myself that you're not meant to fall in love during high school because it ends in heart break? I was foolish and I let my guard down. I was meant to have learnt my lesson. I'm really angry at myself.
What probably was most shocking... was the fact that just two months ago.... I had finally admitted/confessed that I loved him. Two months ago.. that he promised me that he wouldn't hurt me.... And he broke it. It was too soon. I really don't know what to do or feel right now...
I should get over him. And even though I don't want to... I probably would just get hurt even more. I should be happy that he's still my friend. Just a while ago, he called me to ask me if I knew where his ipod was....
I really don't know what to do or feel right now...
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I hate it here.
I am sick of it. Conform. Conform. Always bloody conform and you have no right to say anything.
I am moving out the moment I graduate. I mean it so much. Even if I have to sleep on the floor and have no furniture. I'll figure it out. I refuse to stay any longer here.
It's unfair. What happened to INNOCENT until proven GUILTY? In this bloody house its guilty until proven fucking innocent!!
Every time I double think about moving out and try to convince myself that I'm being irrational, they bloody ruin it for me! They're the ones that convincing me to move out (subconsciously - they don't know that I'm seriously thinking about it).
I understand that they're having a hard time. I do. Me too. The fact that we're losing money affects me too. I've tried to help. I don't ask for money anymore. I work. It's gotten to the point where my studies are affected. I GOT A FUCKING D ON MY REPORT CARD! Sure it was only in one area (modelling and problem solving in maths c - I passed overall with a C (Thank god for my B's in the other areas)) I don't think they even realise what that means to me. I used to be a straight A student with several B's in my weak areas. They don't understand that my studies are the only thing that keep me going. It's the only thing that makes me feel that there's something promising out there for the future. It's the only thing that makes me like myself. I already hate the rest of myself. It's the only thing that makes me proud of myself. And the fact that I failed somewhere kills me. Even if its bloody Maths C.
My dad was especially disappointed in me because his "apparent intelligent daughter" did terrible. I'm sorry that in Senior years, the assessments are more difficult. I'm sorry that this term was such a short term while the teachers stuffed so much units that it became almost impossible to ace anything. Honestly, I'm surprised I passed my subjects. I was freaking out so much during my exam block because I wasn't prepared for anything. Now, include your lack of belief and your "helpful" continuous fights with everyone in the house. Seriously, he's too sensitive. You say something that isn't offensive to a normal person.. he'll break down and cry. I'm not even exaggerating. He once told me as I was telling him a story enthusiastically "Your voice is too loud" (cause when I'm really happy and excited, my voice is really loud) and I replied in a light joking manner "I don't really care what those people think, I'm never gonna see them again." He went quiet from there and when we got home, he got angry at me, broke down and cried. I say he needs to see a psychologist. But his stupid ego refuses to believe that he needs help. So because of that, we suffer.
It's bad enough that they don't want to believe or accept that I am not as smart as they imagine me to be. They think I'm totally capable of earning an OP1. Bullshit. I'm not that smart. Look, I am intelligent. I'm not saying that I'm dumb. I do reasonably well at school. But to get a fucking OP1, you need straight A's. I'm lying in your B's and C's. No where near that. I'm opting towards OP5. That, I think is realistically... my best. I've learned to accept my best. I'm realistic and trying not to push myself to the limit. Which I honestly believe that I've reached. I've tried to explain to my parents that I'm accepting my mental and academic boundaries and trying my best. But my parents think that I'm just being "modest and pulling myself down". I don't think they understand how proud I am of my intellectual abilities. There's no way I would think lower of myself. I do believe that I'm smart (not in common sense but in academics). I just don't think I'm a prodigal child with amazingly natural mental talent.
No, I know that I'm your average teenager girls who enjoy the internet. I study hard to get where I am. The only reason why I did well in junior school was because I studied bloody hard. The things we learnt in junior was easy to ace as long as you studied and memorised what you learnt in class. In senior, there are many things that rely on your natural ability to solve situations that matter. It's higher order thinking. Something I don't have. I'm used to just memorising a structure that is followed and following through. It's not the same anymore. Which explains alot of my downfall in my grades.
I feel like I've disappointed my parents. Having a beauty queen for an older sister who went to the Philippines to perform charity work for the poor and a well-known singer for a younger sister, I felt like my parents are disappointed in how I've turned out. My big sister gave money to the poor and abused children... she paid for scholarships for those who could not afford to study. She gave them a chance to start a new life. That's enough said about her success. My younger sister is well-known in the area and is working her way to becoming famous. She's been through many low and high profiled competitions in which she won many. She's having someone sponsor her to a famous company in the Philippines where she could start her true career. She's also currently the youngest ambassador for Bravehearts. My sisters have achieved and done so much to give credit to our family reputation (something my parents care so much about - they want people to know they produced amazing kids). Me? There's nothing to boast. It's that bad that everyone seems to know me as Clara's or Liz's sister. I don't seem to have an identity in this place.
The only thing I've done is do the chores that they constantly make ME do, because my sisters are too lazy to do. It's always me they call because they know my sisters are too useless to call. But that unfair on me. Here I am trying to study so that my future can be good.... but they keep interrupting me even if Liz or Clara is in their rooms checking their facebooks. So my train of thoughts are constantly disconnected. But if Liz was practicing or vocalizing, I am told to pause my studying to do it. Her vocalising is my studying.
But then again, because my parents expect so much from me (either because I haven't achieved anything or they think I'm smarter than what I am), they want me to be a doctor or something. But the truth is, I want to be a hairdresser. I love hair. It's not an easy out from all the exams and strenuous assessment pieces for me. It's because I love playing with hair. It gives me joy. But my parents already told me that they do not approve of it (even if they said I could be anything I wanted).
I hate it here. I hate it at school. Especially now. I come to school hoping that everything will be good. But I go home close to tears. Thank god for work. A place where I don't have time to think of anything but how to scrape the patties off the grill.
I feel like a mess. What happened to the days where I could be carefree about everything? I miss the days where everything didn't affect me.
Everyday.. at home, it gets worse and worse. I can't even call it a proper home anymore. All we do is scream at each other's throats because nobody wants to try and understand. For the beginning, I tolerated it. I let them scream at me. I ignored the abuse they continuously threw at me. Because I knew that they were stressed. But now... I'm sick of the fact that they're taking it out on us. It's not fucking fair.
Maybe I'm taking it out on Seth... Gosh, I'm like my parents. Ew.
I can't wait till next year.
I am moving out the moment I graduate. I mean it so much. Even if I have to sleep on the floor and have no furniture. I'll figure it out. I refuse to stay any longer here.
It's unfair. What happened to INNOCENT until proven GUILTY? In this bloody house its guilty until proven fucking innocent!!
Every time I double think about moving out and try to convince myself that I'm being irrational, they bloody ruin it for me! They're the ones that convincing me to move out (subconsciously - they don't know that I'm seriously thinking about it).
I understand that they're having a hard time. I do. Me too. The fact that we're losing money affects me too. I've tried to help. I don't ask for money anymore. I work. It's gotten to the point where my studies are affected. I GOT A FUCKING D ON MY REPORT CARD! Sure it was only in one area (modelling and problem solving in maths c - I passed overall with a C (Thank god for my B's in the other areas)) I don't think they even realise what that means to me. I used to be a straight A student with several B's in my weak areas. They don't understand that my studies are the only thing that keep me going. It's the only thing that makes me feel that there's something promising out there for the future. It's the only thing that makes me like myself. I already hate the rest of myself. It's the only thing that makes me proud of myself. And the fact that I failed somewhere kills me. Even if its bloody Maths C.
My dad was especially disappointed in me because his "apparent intelligent daughter" did terrible. I'm sorry that in Senior years, the assessments are more difficult. I'm sorry that this term was such a short term while the teachers stuffed so much units that it became almost impossible to ace anything. Honestly, I'm surprised I passed my subjects. I was freaking out so much during my exam block because I wasn't prepared for anything. Now, include your lack of belief and your "helpful" continuous fights with everyone in the house. Seriously, he's too sensitive. You say something that isn't offensive to a normal person.. he'll break down and cry. I'm not even exaggerating. He once told me as I was telling him a story enthusiastically "Your voice is too loud" (cause when I'm really happy and excited, my voice is really loud) and I replied in a light joking manner "I don't really care what those people think, I'm never gonna see them again." He went quiet from there and when we got home, he got angry at me, broke down and cried. I say he needs to see a psychologist. But his stupid ego refuses to believe that he needs help. So because of that, we suffer.
It's bad enough that they don't want to believe or accept that I am not as smart as they imagine me to be. They think I'm totally capable of earning an OP1. Bullshit. I'm not that smart. Look, I am intelligent. I'm not saying that I'm dumb. I do reasonably well at school. But to get a fucking OP1, you need straight A's. I'm lying in your B's and C's. No where near that. I'm opting towards OP5. That, I think is realistically... my best. I've learned to accept my best. I'm realistic and trying not to push myself to the limit. Which I honestly believe that I've reached. I've tried to explain to my parents that I'm accepting my mental and academic boundaries and trying my best. But my parents think that I'm just being "modest and pulling myself down". I don't think they understand how proud I am of my intellectual abilities. There's no way I would think lower of myself. I do believe that I'm smart (not in common sense but in academics). I just don't think I'm a prodigal child with amazingly natural mental talent.
No, I know that I'm your average teenager girls who enjoy the internet. I study hard to get where I am. The only reason why I did well in junior school was because I studied bloody hard. The things we learnt in junior was easy to ace as long as you studied and memorised what you learnt in class. In senior, there are many things that rely on your natural ability to solve situations that matter. It's higher order thinking. Something I don't have. I'm used to just memorising a structure that is followed and following through. It's not the same anymore. Which explains alot of my downfall in my grades.
I feel like I've disappointed my parents. Having a beauty queen for an older sister who went to the Philippines to perform charity work for the poor and a well-known singer for a younger sister, I felt like my parents are disappointed in how I've turned out. My big sister gave money to the poor and abused children... she paid for scholarships for those who could not afford to study. She gave them a chance to start a new life. That's enough said about her success. My younger sister is well-known in the area and is working her way to becoming famous. She's been through many low and high profiled competitions in which she won many. She's having someone sponsor her to a famous company in the Philippines where she could start her true career. She's also currently the youngest ambassador for Bravehearts. My sisters have achieved and done so much to give credit to our family reputation (something my parents care so much about - they want people to know they produced amazing kids). Me? There's nothing to boast. It's that bad that everyone seems to know me as Clara's or Liz's sister. I don't seem to have an identity in this place.
The only thing I've done is do the chores that they constantly make ME do, because my sisters are too lazy to do. It's always me they call because they know my sisters are too useless to call. But that unfair on me. Here I am trying to study so that my future can be good.... but they keep interrupting me even if Liz or Clara is in their rooms checking their facebooks. So my train of thoughts are constantly disconnected. But if Liz was practicing or vocalizing, I am told to pause my studying to do it. Her vocalising is my studying.
But then again, because my parents expect so much from me (either because I haven't achieved anything or they think I'm smarter than what I am), they want me to be a doctor or something. But the truth is, I want to be a hairdresser. I love hair. It's not an easy out from all the exams and strenuous assessment pieces for me. It's because I love playing with hair. It gives me joy. But my parents already told me that they do not approve of it (even if they said I could be anything I wanted).
I hate it here. I hate it at school. Especially now. I come to school hoping that everything will be good. But I go home close to tears. Thank god for work. A place where I don't have time to think of anything but how to scrape the patties off the grill.
I feel like a mess. What happened to the days where I could be carefree about everything? I miss the days where everything didn't affect me.
Everyday.. at home, it gets worse and worse. I can't even call it a proper home anymore. All we do is scream at each other's throats because nobody wants to try and understand. For the beginning, I tolerated it. I let them scream at me. I ignored the abuse they continuously threw at me. Because I knew that they were stressed. But now... I'm sick of the fact that they're taking it out on us. It's not fucking fair.
Maybe I'm taking it out on Seth... Gosh, I'm like my parents. Ew.
I can't wait till next year.
Friday, July 15, 2011
I don't know what to do...
I'm scared. Really scared.
I'm scared of my thoughts, actions and desires. I'm scared that I've screwed it up. Maybe I pushed him too far...
I tried so hard today to get us back on normal speaking terms. I could still feel some kind of awkwardness. I went against my beliefs so that I could hold him once again. But... I feel like it wasn't good enough.
Then when we were at the carnival.. he was talking to other girls and other people for 90% of the time. That made me snap. I didn't get angry at him... but I just felt broken. I want him. And sorry for my selfishness... I want him. I don't want him as just a friend. I want him. I love him.
But.... if friends is the only thing that we end up being, then I'll be satisfied. It is better than not having him in my life at all.
Gosh... I really sound so immature and stupid. Ew.
Funny how whenever you're in love.. you become irrational. It's a very vulnerable spot.
But I'm so scared. I don't know how to be around him. I fear that I might do something that would make him think "Why do I even like this girl?"
And the problem is... I know I'm doing that right now because of my attitude.
I don't know what to do. :S
I don't even know why we're in this situation.
I'm scared of my thoughts, actions and desires. I'm scared that I've screwed it up. Maybe I pushed him too far...
I tried so hard today to get us back on normal speaking terms. I could still feel some kind of awkwardness. I went against my beliefs so that I could hold him once again. But... I feel like it wasn't good enough.
Then when we were at the carnival.. he was talking to other girls and other people for 90% of the time. That made me snap. I didn't get angry at him... but I just felt broken. I want him. And sorry for my selfishness... I want him. I don't want him as just a friend. I want him. I love him.
But.... if friends is the only thing that we end up being, then I'll be satisfied. It is better than not having him in my life at all.
Gosh... I really sound so immature and stupid. Ew.
Funny how whenever you're in love.. you become irrational. It's a very vulnerable spot.
But I'm so scared. I don't know how to be around him. I fear that I might do something that would make him think "Why do I even like this girl?"
And the problem is... I know I'm doing that right now because of my attitude.
I don't know what to do. :S
I don't even know why we're in this situation.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Inferiority
I feel inferior to my sisters and my friends. I truly do not feel that I'm any good as them.
I just feel like every one prefers them. It feels terrible.
Seth talks to my friends and sister so much more than he talks to me recently. But he's the trigger to these thoughts bursting on this post. I've always felt this. I don't tend to voice these thoughts because people will naturally disagree. But it doesn't make me feel that I match to them.
I do know that I'm not as easy to talk to as every one else. I do realize that I'm not able to offer good responses or reactions in any social situation. But I don't know how to change that.
I'm particularly jealous of my little sister for being so likable. Everyone drifts towards her. Everyone seems to prefer talking to her than me. It is quite hurtful.
I'm probably just frustrated.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Frustration
Wow.. haven't written here alot. Okay, I think the reason why blogging hasn't been appealing too much to me lately is because I have to explain stuff.
Now, since I realised that no one actually reads the shit I blog about here... I can just write any shit I want. With no explanation. So, if someone is actually reading what I'm writing here, then you're just gonna have to catch up with my shit.
I haven't talked to Seth properly for 2 weeks moving onto 3. It's frustrating the crap out of me. I haven't been hostile to him (lately) and I've been calm around him. Even though my insides were driving me insane.
But he made one kind of contact to talk to me today. Sigh.
I keep telling myself that I'm being stupid and immature. I don't need to talk to him every single day. That's unreasonable.
I have confessed to him that I'm in love with him. But I'm not sure if I should've. Admitting it means that I've put myself in a vulnerable spot. That could ideally put me in a stupid situation where I could have my heart stabbed and crushed into a million pieces with no chance of gluing back together. Yeah, a little dramatic. I don't mean it that much.
But I have to make sure that he (any he for that matter) needs to love me more than I do. Then I know that I won't get hurt.
Well.. maybe not necessarily... because Derek loved me more than I loved him.
But then again... I pushed him too far. But thought I'm not completely over him just yet (just a little more to go), I can let him go.
He too has told me that he wasn't over me and that he needed more time. Which I grant him. He promised me (and his exacts words was because he cared for me) that he will talk to me when he's ready. I feel a lot more at ease knowing that prospect.
Going to his birthday party was definitely worth it.
Back to Seth... it's not his fault that he hasn't been online really. He obviously isn't allowed online since his parents are rather strict. And I have to respect that. His ipod wouldn't him through. And he did offer very reasonable excuses.
I'm trying to completely ignore the other thoughts that tend to argue.
Stuff like... he couldve called me! even when we were talking, he seemed reluctant to talk to me!
Gosh. I sound like those stupid teenage love sick morons that I detest. And I promised myself that I would not fall in to those shoes.
I was thinking about it and I'm pretty sure that I haven't felt this immaturity since my first boyfriend in 2008. I definitely knew that I didn't feel this way when Derek was courting me. I didn't have a sense of insecurity about his feelings for me. The insecurity I had was my own feelings. I couldn't tell whether I was in love with him or not. Turns out that I was. Oh well, we move on.
I'm just so frustrated that even when we saw each other at school today.. we haven't even seen each other for almost 3 weeks! But nothing. I don't even think he really missed me. But then again, I have to remember that I wasn't really talking to him either.
He was probably waiting for me to make the first move. Sigh.. if he knew me enough, he should've known that I'm not the type to make first moves since I happen to have too much pride which I refuse to drop unless I feel that it is worth it. But feeling this frustration makes it even harder for me to drop my pride when I'm this pissed.
No call, no online status even as I write this post.
I'm being stupid. I know. But, this is all because I loved him and I missed him so much.
But once again, my pride refuses to be the only one who feels this frustration. For that, I am really glad because I don't want to be like those pathetic girls who continuously jump into the arms of their 'prince' and get themselves hurt because they didn't protect themselves enough to prevent it.
No. I will not drop my guard.
I wanted to choose him. I still want to choose him. I want to believe that he's the one for me. That we can make this work.
But those thoughts were almost crushed when he himself said to me that he wasn't sure if it'll work. If he didn't have enough faith in me... what more me?
My decisions depend on him. On whether he can make me happy.
Honestly, I still think he can. He can make me laugh. He can comfort me. He can understand me when I tell him my problems (obviously, excluding the ones involving himself). Hence why I haven't lost all faith. I'm just waiting for him.
But I have my doubts.. and they are doing well in screwing my brain.
Now.. selfishness aside... I also have to ask myself whether I can make him happy.
And...... I don't know. I honestly don't know.
If anything... I have more chance on causing him pain than happiness.
This is mainly why I refuse to voice out my frustrations with him. I don't want him to see that I'm a horrible person to be with. I don't want to lose him.
No. It's not the 'I don't want to lose another one' kind of thinking. I don't want to lose him. I fell in love with our friendship. I fell in love with his personality. His patience with me. His understanding of me. '
A part of me is scared that I fell in love foolishly and too soon again. But.. I can't imagine my life without him. And I truly don't want to. Without being able to associate with him these holidays... it was pain enough for me.
Now, since I realised that no one actually reads the shit I blog about here... I can just write any shit I want. With no explanation. So, if someone is actually reading what I'm writing here, then you're just gonna have to catch up with my shit.
I haven't talked to Seth properly for 2 weeks moving onto 3. It's frustrating the crap out of me. I haven't been hostile to him (lately) and I've been calm around him. Even though my insides were driving me insane.
But he made one kind of contact to talk to me today. Sigh.
I keep telling myself that I'm being stupid and immature. I don't need to talk to him every single day. That's unreasonable.
I have confessed to him that I'm in love with him. But I'm not sure if I should've. Admitting it means that I've put myself in a vulnerable spot. That could ideally put me in a stupid situation where I could have my heart stabbed and crushed into a million pieces with no chance of gluing back together. Yeah, a little dramatic. I don't mean it that much.
But I have to make sure that he (any he for that matter) needs to love me more than I do. Then I know that I won't get hurt.
Well.. maybe not necessarily... because Derek loved me more than I loved him.
But then again... I pushed him too far. But thought I'm not completely over him just yet (just a little more to go), I can let him go.
He too has told me that he wasn't over me and that he needed more time. Which I grant him. He promised me (and his exacts words was because he cared for me) that he will talk to me when he's ready. I feel a lot more at ease knowing that prospect.
Going to his birthday party was definitely worth it.
Back to Seth... it's not his fault that he hasn't been online really. He obviously isn't allowed online since his parents are rather strict. And I have to respect that. His ipod wouldn't him through. And he did offer very reasonable excuses.
I'm trying to completely ignore the other thoughts that tend to argue.
Stuff like... he couldve called me! even when we were talking, he seemed reluctant to talk to me!
Gosh. I sound like those stupid teenage love sick morons that I detest. And I promised myself that I would not fall in to those shoes.
I was thinking about it and I'm pretty sure that I haven't felt this immaturity since my first boyfriend in 2008. I definitely knew that I didn't feel this way when Derek was courting me. I didn't have a sense of insecurity about his feelings for me. The insecurity I had was my own feelings. I couldn't tell whether I was in love with him or not. Turns out that I was. Oh well, we move on.
I'm just so frustrated that even when we saw each other at school today.. we haven't even seen each other for almost 3 weeks! But nothing. I don't even think he really missed me. But then again, I have to remember that I wasn't really talking to him either.
He was probably waiting for me to make the first move. Sigh.. if he knew me enough, he should've known that I'm not the type to make first moves since I happen to have too much pride which I refuse to drop unless I feel that it is worth it. But feeling this frustration makes it even harder for me to drop my pride when I'm this pissed.
No call, no online status even as I write this post.
I'm being stupid. I know. But, this is all because I loved him and I missed him so much.
But once again, my pride refuses to be the only one who feels this frustration. For that, I am really glad because I don't want to be like those pathetic girls who continuously jump into the arms of their 'prince' and get themselves hurt because they didn't protect themselves enough to prevent it.
No. I will not drop my guard.
I wanted to choose him. I still want to choose him. I want to believe that he's the one for me. That we can make this work.
But those thoughts were almost crushed when he himself said to me that he wasn't sure if it'll work. If he didn't have enough faith in me... what more me?
My decisions depend on him. On whether he can make me happy.
Honestly, I still think he can. He can make me laugh. He can comfort me. He can understand me when I tell him my problems (obviously, excluding the ones involving himself). Hence why I haven't lost all faith. I'm just waiting for him.
But I have my doubts.. and they are doing well in screwing my brain.
Now.. selfishness aside... I also have to ask myself whether I can make him happy.
And...... I don't know. I honestly don't know.
If anything... I have more chance on causing him pain than happiness.
This is mainly why I refuse to voice out my frustrations with him. I don't want him to see that I'm a horrible person to be with. I don't want to lose him.
No. It's not the 'I don't want to lose another one' kind of thinking. I don't want to lose him. I fell in love with our friendship. I fell in love with his personality. His patience with me. His understanding of me. '
A part of me is scared that I fell in love foolishly and too soon again. But.. I can't imagine my life without him. And I truly don't want to. Without being able to associate with him these holidays... it was pain enough for me.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
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